Last year one of my sister’s called me a “cold, heartless bitch” for refusing to forgive her after a 5 year estrangement. I realize that forgiveness (or lack thereof) is an unhealthy emotion to carry and it’s not that I have allowed her, or the circumstance or anyone else like her to take up space in my head, but I don’t know if anyone else would allow anyone like that back in their lives either. The situation was just that violent and traumatizing. On top of that, when she reached out to me last year, her less than humble approach was suspect. Looking back, I am glad that I listened to my intuition because in sentence 6 of our very brief exchange on Facebook she picked up the tracing (as we say in Jamaica), right where she left off 5 years before.
That tiny little exchange is where and when I learned what forgiveness really requires. In order for you to forgive someone you really need a strong sense that the person has taken responsibility for their action(s) and that they also understand the pain that their action caused. If that person cannot meet this test, then it’s best to move on. There is nothing wrong with this in my book. I honestly think there can be power in not forgiving and that power is protection of self. With that said, everyone (except of course for that sister) who has met this test has been given a “pass,” so far. However, what do you do when your ex who you realize that you still have feelings for is making an attempt to reestablish themselves in your life?
I’m sure you would love the back story but I don’t have the time or gumption to disclose all of the silly drama that led up to us being ex’s. I’ll need to write a novel to tell the whole story and that’s a novel that will never be written.
We talked by phone yesterday and I asked a lot of questions most of which he finally answered truthfully… and some that he answered that I still don’t know if I actually really got an answer to. The biggest part of my hesitation is not even the unanswered question(s). It’s because the drama was played out on a public stage where people were either in the know or saw enough to speculate and I know if I follow my heart (well, maybe not that exact organ) that I’ll be setting myself up for a barrage of criticism or worst a replay of the last time we tried which would open me up for even more criticism.
On top of that, while we were on that very long hiatus, I heard some things which I didn’t at the time feel loyal or knowledgeable enough to refute. I also heard that he said some really unkind things about me and in turn I said some really unkind things about him. So in order for this to work, I guess I will also need to ask him for forgiveness which I am prepared to do. However, I am discovering that part of my hesitation in letting him back in is because my test was missing a critical element and that element is trust. So although his approach, as seen through my rosy glasses, seems humbler and more genuine than the sister’s, there is no pass. I am not ready to claim the “cold, heartless, bitch” title on this one, however. I think forgiveness can come, but this will need to come over time.
What I am Wearing:
This is the same outfit that I wore to the Macy’s fashion show. (See: What’s In Stores At Macys)
Blazer: This is the matching jacket to a 2 -piece Calvin Klein suit from Macys. The waxed metallic pants are from H&M. The t-shirt is the free t-shirt that I received from the mailchimp vendors at the Fall 2012 IFB Conference. The booties are Lucky Brand.
Photo Credit: Robert took these pictures!