And The Title of Cold, Heartless Bitch Goes To

November 2, 2012 · 11 comments

in What I Wore

Last year one of my sister’s called me a “cold, heartless bitch” for refusing to forgive her after a 5 year estrangement. I realize that forgiveness (or lack thereof) is an unhealthy emotion to carry and it’s not that I have allowed her, or the circumstance or anyone else like her to take up space in my head, but I don’t know if anyone else would allow anyone like that back in their lives either. The situation was just that violent and traumatizing. On top of that, when she reached out to me last year, her less than humble approach was suspect.  Looking back, I am glad that I listened to my intuition because in sentence 6 of our very brief exchange on Facebook she picked up the tracing (as we say in Jamaica), right where she left off 5 years before.

That tiny little exchange is where and when I learned what forgiveness really requires. In order for you to forgive someone you really need a strong sense that the person has taken responsibility for their action(s) and that they also understand the pain that their action caused.  If that person cannot meet this test, then it’s best to move on. There is nothing wrong with this in my book.  I honestly think there can be power in not forgiving and that power is protection of self.  With that said, everyone (except of course for that sister) who has met this test has been given a “pass,” so far.  However, what do you do when your ex who you realize that you still have feelings for is making an attempt to reestablish themselves in your life?

I’m sure you would love the back story but I don’t have the time or gumption to disclose all of the silly drama that led up to us being ex’s. I’ll need to write a novel to tell the whole story and that’s a novel that will never be written.

We talked by phone yesterday and I asked a  lot of questions most of which he finally answered truthfully… and some that he answered that I still don’t know if I actually really got an answer to.  The biggest part of my hesitation is not even the unanswered question(s). It’s because the drama was played out on a public stage where people were either in the know or saw enough to speculate and I know if I follow my heart (well, maybe not that exact organ) that I’ll be setting myself up for a barrage of criticism or worst a replay of the last time we tried which would open me up for even more criticism.

On top of that, while we were on that very long hiatus, I heard some things which I didn’t at the time feel loyal or knowledgeable enough to refute. I also heard that he said some really unkind things about me and in turn I said some really unkind things about him. So in order for this to work, I guess I will also need to ask him for forgiveness which I am prepared to do. However, I am discovering that part of my hesitation in letting him back in is because my test was missing a critical element and that element is trust.  So although his approach, as seen through my rosy glasses, seems humbler and more genuine than the sister’s, there is no pass.  I am not ready to claim the “cold, heartless, bitch” title on this one, however. I think forgiveness can come, but this will  need to come over time.

What I am Wearing:

This is the same outfit that I wore to the Macy’s fashion show. (See: What’s In Stores At Macys)

Blazer: This is the matching jacket to a 2 -piece Calvin Klein suit from Macys.  The waxed metallic pants are from H&M. The t-shirt is the free t-shirt that I received from the mailchimp vendors at the Fall 2012 IFB Conference.  The booties are Lucky Brand.

Photo Credit: Robert took these pictures!
XoXo, Natasha

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Chasing Joy
Twitter:
November 9, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I have to disagree with you a little. I don’t think forgiveness has anything to do with the person who wronged you taking responsibility. I don’t think it has anything to do with the other person’s actions at al. I think forgiveness is when you decide to not wish the other person harm or seek revenge for their actions. However I do agree that for you to take the person back in your life they do need to take responsibility for their actions. And even if you do forgive your sister and ex and wish them no ill will, that does not mean you have to let them back in your life. Trust your instinct for that and good luck. :-)

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Gillian
Twitter:
November 4, 2012 at 12:49 pm

You’re looking good Natasha :)

I’m with most others on this one, you may be able to forgive but not able to forget and trust is a biggie. Always trust your gut instinct at the same time never let other peoples opinions get in the way of your decisions, as most people keep most of their drama to themselves and only share the great stuff.

Good luck in whatever decision you decide to take.
Gillian recently posted..Are you Achieving Your Five a DayMy Profile

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Natasha November 4, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Hi Gillian,
Thanks so much for your comment.

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Carrie November 2, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Forgiveness is such a personal thing and I agree that you really need a sense that the person is being genuine in seeking it. I’ve had some major hurts in my life from the people closest to me. While I can forgive, I don’t forget. Never forget. Trust is incredibly difficult to rebuild after…
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Natasha November 4, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Hi Carrie,
Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate all of the support and the comments re “never forgetting”. I am not sure however, if you can truly forgive people by hanging on to the memory of hurt and pain. I can tell you a lot of those memories have bubbled to the surface this weekend and there is a part of me that is itching to send out a “do you remember when you did” text. I can see that this is going to take a really long time to rebuild. (-:

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Frannie Pantz November 2, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I think going with your intuition is a very powerful thing. I don’t think that really taking some time to and putting thought into a forgiveness displays heartlessness or weakness. There is only a few people in my life I have written off completely–my dad being one of them. We all have our stories and our reasons. I think that not forgiving something petty, that’s something different. But if you were truly hurt and affected, they need to realize that too. I commend you for trying to have forgiveness for your ex. I don’t know what I would do without my sister! I hope everything works out for the both of you–however that ends up happening.
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Natasha November 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Thanks Robin. (-: Sorry to hear about you and your Dad. I don’t have any thoughts on how or if it will develop. I just know it was kind a relief to both end the silence drought and to address a few things.

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Practical Paralegalism
Twitter:
November 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

You look really cool and lovely, Natasha.

I think you’re smart to protect yourself. Forgiveness is a very individual thing. There’s also the option of forgiveness without letting that person back into your closest circle – or any circle. I’ve long since forgiven other people that I still don’t want to reestablish relationships with. I’ve also had to learn to forgive myself, while admitting that it’s still difficult to forget things I’m not proud of. My mantra is, “Listen to the little voice inside me, it’s almost always right.”
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Natasha November 2, 2012 at 6:07 pm

The little voice has spoken. She wasn’t as loud and clear as in other instances, I’ve finally (I’m a later bloomer) learned to listen to whatever she says. Thanks for your compliment on the outfit.

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Wendy D November 2, 2012 at 8:25 am

I don’ tthink that protecting yourself by taking time to forgive someone is being a cold, heartless bitch. I think it’s simply protecting yourself. And I truly think that it’s ok, to forgive, and not forget. I am the type of person that if you mees with me, I can forgive, but it will be very hard to trust again. So I feel where you are coming from.
I think you are very brave.

and I love your jeans.

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Natasha November 2, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Thanks Wendy. Writing that helped me to process some of those feelings. I almost didn’t publish it so I am not that brave. (-:

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