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Blogging and other Blues


I haven’t been on my blogs (I have two if you didn’t know) lately and here is why.
1) Robert lives in another state and Ossie’s foot is no good. Yes, those two are..were my photographers. Robert returns to Connecticut occasionally but he’s either too busy with other work or I’m just not in the mood when he’s available. It’s hard to fake “all is well with the world” when it is not. It comes across in photos.

2) Uncle Burnette died. I lost my uncle while I was on my world wind tour through Italy 2 years ago. His passing brought me to a stand still, not only because it was so sudden, but also because the weeks leading up to his death I avoided him like a plague to avoid “the” conversation that I knew he wanted to have with me regarding a falling out that I had with my mom earlier that year. Sorry for the run on sentence or should I say sentences. You will find more. There is an urgency, however, to publish on my blog and so in lieu of analyzing my writing as I always do, I am just going to run with, whatever. Analysis paralysis is one of the reasons that I have also been absent from my blog. More on that later. Anyways, I can’t even begin to explain the guilt that I have been carrying during this time. Funny enough his passing brought my mom and I closer together. We are so close, not even breeze can pass between us.

3) Uncle Burnette’s death brought more deaths. A few months after my uncle died, his daughter passed away also. To this day I still cannot believe that she left us. I still don’t even know what happened but she was here and then suddenly, also without any warning, she was gone. Then my grand aunt followed and then my other uncle, then my grand uncle and two months ago, my grandmother also joined them. All those deaths and I still haven’t finished mourning the first one.

4. Good ole analysis paralysis. I don’t seem to have this problem on my Facebook page. Whatever news story, happenings in my personal life or random shit that pops into my head I usually write about it and post to Facebook. Over here, I think and over think to the point where I have over 100 drafts of “great ideas” that remain unpublished.

5. I am fat! I don’t mind the body so much (hey I am a size 14 gal with 36DDD breasts now). Some people pay for those. It’s the reflection from the moon face that is killing me though. I got hooked up for a free month at Boundless Performance Systems in Hartford though. So hopefully, I will be able to lose the face (the breasts can stay) so I will feel more comfortable in front of the camera again.

6. You are supporting what (not a who)? Seeing the political meanderings of people on Facebook who I once thought were friends makes me feel like I am a bad judge of character. I wrote my blog so that it appeals to a wide demographic but seeing the vile hate spewing so freely from strangers and now acquaintances (I’ve demoted these people from friends) have made me consider changing the content. I never wanted my racial background or ethnicity to limit my content but given the onslaught of negativity and troll attacks I feel compelled to do my part now to promote it. So I guess more content on natural/relaxed hair and makeup for brown skin? Where to find the best oxtails and ginger beer in Hartford and articles on how to avoid being a condescending tourist when traveling through the Caribbean coming to my blogs, soon. Speaking of which…

7. I am not feeling very welcomed in my adopted country. The nice happy people in towns that I used to love hanging out in have been replaced with angry emboldened ones who are using the “stare” in an effort to intimidate. Brown has become an exotic color apparently and because of this, I’ve become really reluctant to explore beyond my community.

8. Sucky laptop. So I bought this cheap laptop to use during my long commute. I figured that would give me 2 hours of solid writing time but honestly, this laptop is the slowest suckiest machine ever.

9. I hate where I live! My neighbor and his band of fools have single handedly destroyed the quality of life in this building. It’s hard to write when I am trying to hear myself think over the noise that comes from his unit or when I have him simply just wrapped up in my evil thoughts.

10. I am busy! My new job at Big ivY keeps me pre-occupied and so does my other night gigs as Secretary for two organizations and also an advisory board member of another one. It’s hard to write when the mind is tired.

So the “urgency”… I need to lead by example. I spent a good portion of last week handing out advice to my little brother. It dawned on me during the climax of my speech that I wasn’t following the advice that I was giving him. September 1st was my deadline and here it is. I guess we will have to wait to see what direction the blog will go in… I have a feeling it’s going to be a little more “Yardish” though. Stay tuned.

XoXo, Natasha

About Natasha Samuels

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  1. I think every now and then we just need some personal “me” time. Take whatever time you need, and then get back to sharing with us!

    • Thanks Bonnie. I’ve had A LOT OF STORMS these last few years. I only published what I felt sort of comfortable putting out there. I published twice this month so far and that’s a good sign, I think.

  2. Losing family friends can really overwhelm us and you are handling it well. I don’t know about Hartford but where I live in South Fla size 14 is very easy on the eyes, what I want to be and certainly not fat. So, come on down. I am glad to see you smiling and profiling here and look forward to more. . .

    • Thanks Neti! I am actually heading back to the gym today. The weight has not been kind on my cholesterol and I am not a fan of the fat face. Other than that, I am ok with it. Thanks, I don’t want to give anyone the impression that I am wearing a cape though. Strange enough I actually found the process of saying some of these things out loud actually helped with the healing.